The Vice Guide to Everything is hysterical – many important life-lessons here. Some of my favs:
Ideally, men only drink beer. That way, when you are kind enough to get a round, you don’t have a bunch of L.A. faggots saying, “I’ll have a raspberry vodka with a splash of Citron and a fucking lime” or whatever. How are we supposed to remember five woman drinks? “Five Buds for five buds” is all we should have to remember.
Women, on the other hand, can drink whatever the fuck they want. They look like fun tomboys when they drink beer and they look like classy broads when they drink Tom Collins, so the whole spectrum is great news (go bananas).
If you smell a bad shit come out of your ass, start flushing immediately. There is no limit to the number of courtesy flushes allowed. Also, you have to give the next guy a heads-up. Because once that poor bastard goes in there after you, he can’t just come running out screaming (like he wants to), because then you’re all embarrassed and it’s a weird vibe all around the restaurant. Just a little eye roll or gesture should do the job—be subtle but clear.
If someone jeopardizes your job, your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, your relationship with your family, or your home, they are to be Xed and never spoken to again. For example, if someone tells your boyfriend you cheated on him, that person is now Xed for life. If you go to a bar and that person is there drinking a beer, you don’t see him. All you see is a beer floating in mid-air, tipping slightly, and then going back down. We wouldn’t even be surprised if you went to pick up his chair because you thought there was nobody sitting there (but don’t do that because it will look like you’re trying to make up).
There is also such a thing as partial Xs. Like if you were really counting on someone to help you out and they let you down, you can still speak to them again but just hold the X deep inside your heart. If they ever ask you for any help on anything, you will then smile and say, “I don’t think so.” If they argue, you reach inside your heart, pull out the partial X, and hold it in their face screaming, “I will never forget that time when you did that thing!”
Farting and burping
If you are under the age of 20 and you fart or burp, you have to say “safety.” If someone says “slut” before you say “safety” everyone present gets to beat the shit out of you until you name five breakfast cereals.
Every passenger has to be right outside the car before shotgun is called. Otherwise you could just yell “shotgun” from your bed the second you wake up. If you’re really cool, you will deliver the word with a bit of panache. Like you could say, “Hey, you guys, look at all those ducks. Man, I wish I had my SHOTGUN here so I could blow ’em all away.” When you’re saying the “blow ’em all away” part, you should say it right into everyone’s face in an “in your face, motherfuckers!” manner. Also, before saying “shotgun,” be sure to pretend you’re cocking an invisible shotgun and add the “chk chk” sound effect.
Jeans and high heels
We know it’s been said before, and it will be said again (most likely by us) until every female on earth who is not related to us picks up on it. This is the Rolling Stones of outfits: absolutely foolproof, guaranteed boner material. Even if you’re fat (shit, especially if you’re fat).