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Polar Bear Habitats DO NOT Feature Naturally Occurring Tuba Music

Ha! McSweeney’s is compiling a list of “Open Letters to People or Entities who are Unlikely to Respond.”

An Open Letter to Penguins

Dear Penguins, I would like to apologize on behalf of my species for making fun of you….I’d like to start by saying that we realize that you are not actually wearing tuxedos. We don’t quite understand the evolutionary purpose of your black-and-white color scheme, so we have simply said that you wear tuxedos to be funny….Second, the polka music. We do in fact realize that this music is not playing all the time in Antarctica. (Likewise, we are also aware that polar-bear habitats do not feature naturally occurring tuba music.)”


An Open Letter to my Hairline

An Open Letter to my Eighth-Grade Yearbook Photo

Other stuff on Sweeney’s:

Changes to the Hotel California, made in response to Mr. Henley’s recent complaint

Interviews with people who have interesting or unusual jobs

Saddam’s Interrogation Logs

More Pope Reviews

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