The Onion :
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation’s Ballad Singers
WASHINGTON, DC— In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. “To America’s recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering,” Bush said. “The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled ‘One For All.'” Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren’s home could not be confirmed as of press time.